How to deal with difficult people
How to deal with difficult people
By Stephanie Oley
Dealing with conflict often involves dealing with difficult people and their behaviours. But what is difficult behaviour, and how do you respond effectively? Especially if you’re particularly prone or averse to conflict, and there’s already some history between you and the other person.
Conflict is a major part of being human – across work, study, family and friendship circles. Jean-Paul Sartre captured that sentiment well with his famously grumpy one-liner, ‘Hell is other people,’ in the 1944 philosophical play, No Exit.
However, managing conflict can be learned.
One of CCE’s assertiveness training experts, Yvonne Collier, notes that some individual behaviours are only ‘difficult’ when measured by set standards. By contrast, when the behaviours are viewed merely as ‘different’, a world of conflict-resolution possibilities opens up. She describes five broad approaches to dealing with people that you struggle to harmonise with, whether it’s your in-laws, managers, siblings or pushy friends.
1. Know your style
Self-knowledge is the start. Psychologist Daniel Goleman turned this concept into a cultural phenomenon with his book Emotional Intelligence, published in 1995. The book draws on the work of various psychologists, including John Mayer and Peter Salovey (who coined the term), to offer various practical strategies.
The first in his quadrant of four relationship management domains is self-knowledge. In other words, if you’re grappling with conflict, start by understanding your own default fight-or-flight mode. When stressed, what is your go-to reaction – bullying, sarcasm, defeat, or something else?
The next focus area of emotional intelligence is self-management – moving towards a constructive state by preventing your emotions from swamping the brain. In conflict management, this might mean recognising the behaviours that exacerbate, confuse or calm another person’s manner.
2. Recognise what’s happening
The second main step is to stop before the situation escalates, and try to understand what’s happening in the other person’s life. Are they having a bad day? Are they in physical or emotional pain? Or do they just have a completely different perspective on an issue, compared to you? While you don’t need to overdo the empathy, it can go a long way to defusing a situation and getting both parties onto a more collaborative path.
This outward focus correlates to quadrants three and four of the emotional intelligence model: social awareness and relationship management. In other words, recognising how people feel in certain situations, and learning how to manage different social interactions.
3. Maintain dignity on all fronts
Dealing with difficult people also requires a balance between being kind and firm, ensuring all parties walk away with dignity intact. A just-right degree of assertiveness means you’re confident to speak up and try to change things. By contrast, being too assertive can make you seem aggressive.
Collier teaches her workshop participants to operate from beneath an ‘umbrella of respect.’ This means applying respect across your intentions, thoughts, voice, language and actions. When individuals operate from a realm of respect, they set the context and create a way forward for both parties. When they ditch the respect, the result can be passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive communication. Any of these approaches can inflame a situation.
4. Overcome your fear of conflict
Some people simply have trouble saying ‘no’ – regardless of their age, gender or cultural background. But with practice, it becomes easier. Participants might start by saying no in different ways – softly, loudly, with context, or with a sweetener, such as giving the person alternative suggestions.
To help cement your new habit of saying no convincingly, make sure you adopt a growth mindset rather than a fixed one, to use a term coined by Stanford University psychologist, Carol Dweck. This means not worrying about perfection just yet, and pushing yourself even if it’s a little uncomfortable at first.
Start small, either by deferring the person’s request (‘let me think about that’), or by declining things that don’t matter (‘sorry, I’d prefer to start half an hour later’). Then build up your muscle memory of saying no, and work towards some bigger goals.
5. When all else fails, avoid the person
Some relationships just aren’t meant to be. And, while the antics of Thor and Loki or Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy might make fabulous fiction, they would be exhausting to deal with daily. Avoiding contact with people you clash with isn’t a form of weakness. It’s a preventative strategy, just like taking vitamins to boost your immunity, or walking home using safe and well-lit paths.
Dealing with difficult people is a skill that can be learned, and doing so in the company of others will ensure sure you build strong habits for life. Start with an introductory course such as CCE’s Getting What you Want, or polish your existing skills with the Advanced follow-up course. If your challenges are largely workplace-related, consider content that focuses mostly on Assertive Communication and Conversation. Whether you’re overly mild-mannered or overly assertive, you’re bound to learn tactics that are proven to work.